Just like any VBAC birth story, mine really begins with a cesarean. My son, Finn, was born in March of 2021. One day I’ll share more about his story, but for now I’ll give you a condensed version — We found out he was breech at 35 weeks, I scheduled a cesarean for 39 weeks but hoped he would turn before then. I got food poisoning the night that I turned 37 weeks. We went to the hospital to get fluids and check on things as I began having (what I know now were) verrrry very mild contractions, most likely caused by the digestive upset. When we got there, I was beginning to dilate and they wanted to keep me for observation. They gave me a COVID test since I was staying for a bit and yep, you guessed it, it came out positive. My OB came into the room and told me that they could definitely send me home if I wanted to, but if I was actually in labor and had to come back, no one, including my husband, would be allowed to come with me. She then listed off the issues I had been having throughout my pregnancy (aches and pains, constant nausea, migraines, now COVID) and said “Why don’t we just take him out today”. I will never ever forget those words. “Take him out”…

3 hours later, we walked into the OR to have our baby. Knowing what I know now about cesareans and seeing what I’ve seen, I am very grateful that my experience was what it was. Without asking or needing to advocate they did what I now know was a ‘gentle cesarean’. They had the lights dimmed, we had music playing, I was able to have delayed cord clamping, and I got skin to skin while on the operating table. Despite this, it still felt… weird. It felt unnatural. I didn’t get that huge rush of emotion like I thought I would. I felt like I didn’t work for it. I walked into the OR, and 15 minutes later had a baby in my arms. It was all just so surreal.

Fast forward to a few months later and I was certifying as a trauma-informed doula and childbirth educator. I was really looking forward to using my experience to help other people.

As I dove deeper into the birth world, I learned a lot about the choices we have when it comes to this experience. One of those choices, is the decision to have a VBAC, or, vaginal birth after cesarean. So before our second child was even a thought in our minds, I knew that next time, that is what I wanted. As time went on and I began to attend homebirths, I decided that I wanted to have an HBAC, or, homebirth after cesarean. I was confident in my ability and found skilled homebirth midwives in my area that I knew I wanted to work with. When I got the positive pregnancy test right after new years of 2023, I texted my midwives, Sam and Melissa with Meadowsweet Midwifery, right away and established care. I also hired my doula, Carlee, with Lucina Rising BirthWork, and my birth photographer, Beka, with Manawa Birth. Ps… all images in this blog post were taken by her.

I had a rough beginning to my pregnancy with all day sickness that got pretty bad. At one point, I was puking 4-5 times per day. I was literally throwing up in the bathroom at births I was attending. Luckily that cleared up at 18 weeks and I spent the rest of my second trimester feeling really good, other than the occasional migraine. (If you’re wondering, in both pregnancies, I never was diagnosed with preeclampsia, migraines are just something that happen to me with all of the pregnancy hormones… fun!)

Fast forward towards the end of the third trimester. I was 35 weeks and things started to get difficult. My body hurt, I had been chasing around a 2 year old all summer, and on top of all of that, I had still been attending 4-5 births a month since January. I had also begun to have prodomal labor almost every night. My body was exhausted. I remember going to a doula meet up that week and crying to my friends about how tired and over it I was. Of course, as doulas, they knew all the right things to say to me. I was encouraged by them to seek out acupuncture, rest, and be gentle with myself. In the coming weeks, that’s exactly what I did.

Whether I was actually ever in labor with Finn or not, we will never know. But because he came at 37 weeks, I had it in my mind that this baby, Sadie, would come early. I was doing acupuncture once a week since 36 weeks, as well as going to the chiropractor. Every week saying to them “I hope I don’t see you next week!”. It’s actually really funny looking back because I didn’t go into labor until 41 weeks. Which, I’d like to add, is SUPER normal. And I know that in my logical, educated, doula brain. But I was not in a logical headspace those final weeks, it’s hard to be.

Saturday, 40+5 rolls around and our family had a wedding to attend in Winter Park, which is about an hour and a half away from where we live. Not only were we supposed to attend, but my husband, Nick, was the best man, I was a bridesmaid, and Finn was a ring bearer. It had been completely up in the air whether we would make it. We made plans and back up plans, but ultimately we were just waiting and seeing. Since I wasn’t having any sure signs of labor, my midwives gave us the okay to go. My bridesmaids dress barely fit, I was exhausted, and I was having lightning crotch every 10 minutes… but despite all of this, it was an amazing time. I decided to go all out and try to dance my way into labor. And I definitely think it’s something that inched me closer. Early Sunday morning, I lost my mucus plug.

Monday morning, I had an acupuncture appointment and we decided to be a little more aggressive since I was 41 weeks now. She told me that the points she was placing that day were meant to encourage baby to move down lower into my pelvis. After our session, I stood up and felt a big shift of pressure. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and could see that the shape of my belly changed. Wild.

Tuesday, at 41+1, I had a midwife appointment. I decided to get a cervical exam to see where things were at at this point. I knew that it didn’t necessarily mean anything, but I just wanted the information. I was 1.5 centimeters dilated, 60% effaced, and she was at -1/-2 station. At this point, I was having mild contractions every 15 minutes or so. The midwives talked to me about the shift I will feel when things get real. They said that I would have a contraction that feels different, and to let them know when that happens. The funny thing is that I say this to my clients all the time, but I didn’t actually understood what I meant by that. That’s just what we say to people. “When it happens, you’ll know”.

After my appointment with the midwives I had a 41 week ultrasound to do a biophysical profile (basically just an in-depth look at what’s going on in there). She scored 8/8. They gave me the go ahead to continue staying pregnant. I was supposed to go to the chiropractor after my ultrasound but I decided to cancel the appointment to take a nap. My contractions were still coming every 15 minutes and I knew that rest was extremely important in early labor.

So I went home, and napped for 3 hours. I woke up at 5pm to a strong sensation and texted Carlee, and Beka. At this point, I had been experiencing so much prodromal labor that had started and stopped, I was skeptical that this was the real thing, so even though I sent them an update, I was fully expecting things to slow down and go away.

I continued to rest as much as I could but moved downstairs to hang out with Nick and Finn. At this point, contractions began to move to 7-8 minutes apart, and they were starting to get a bit stronger. At 7:20pm, I went to the bathroom and had that moment. The moment where things shifted. The moment that my midwives told me about. I texted them to give them an update. They told me they were going to rest until I needed them and to call them when I did.

Nick put Finn to bed and I went to our room to rest some more. They began to get more intense and closer together. I was starting to vocalize through some of them and at 8:10pm Nick texted Carlee to let her know. I labored in the bed for a bit and at 8:40 they were 6-7 minutes apart. We texted Carlee about the timing, but let her know I didn’t quite feel like I needed support yet. We all wanted to continue to rest as much as we could. I was also still very suspicious of this whole thing. I thought for sure things were gonna slow down. That I would fall asleep and wake up in the morning still pregnant, just like so many nights before.

At 9:20, Nick texts Carlee that things were “picking up”. I told him that I still didn’t feel like I needed support and to tell her to go to sleep. Not even 10 minutes later, I had a contraction that felt really big. I changed my mind and told him to call her and tell her to come over. I got in the bath while I waited for her to come, and she arrived at our house at 10pm.

When she arrived, I was in the bath, swaying my hips, and doing low toned vocalization with each one. Trying to listen to how my body was telling me to move and make noise. At 10:30, Carlee texts Beka and lets her know that my contractions were getting closer together, about 4-5 minutes apart now, and that I was vocalizing more. Nick decided to call the midwives and let them know what was going on. Both the midwives and Beka decided to head over. This whole time I just kept asking Carlee “do you think this is real? I don’t think this is real. It’s gonna fizzle out probably.” … Girl… hahaha. Classic labor land talk.

I felt like I needed to change positions/scenery so I decided to get out of my bathtub and labor on the bed again. Everyone arrived around 11:20pm and I was leaning over the peanut ball, and contractions were now 3-4 minutes apart. They were getting really intense. I was vocalizing, rocking back and forth, I had the TENS Unit on now, and I was asking for biiigggg hip squeezes and pressure on my back.

The midwives began setting up their things and asked if they could check me to see where I was at. I agreed, especially because things were getting so intense. The first midwife checked me and looked really encouraging and excited. She didn’t tell me a number, and she told me that she wanted the other midwife to check behind her to confirm what she was feeling. I thought “Maybe I’m in transition, or close?” The second midwife checked behind her and I felt more pressure with this check, it felt like she was ‘looking’ for it, if that makes sense. When she was finished her check, she told me I was only about 2 cm. My cervix was tilted to the side so it felt like I was more dilated than I actually was.

This is where things start to get a little blurry. That check really messed with my head. I think it would with anyone, hearing that you’re only 2 cm when you are working really hard and things are really intense… that’s freaking hard. At this point, I went to another place mentally. I wasn’t present, I was just trying to get through the sensations. Hearing that number really messed with my head and I was not coping as well as I was before. The midwives gave me herbs to try to space things out so I could rest and relax my body. Things didn’t really slow down. I would get a short break here or there but they would quickly pick back up again. Everyone was trying to get me to eat and nothing sounded good and I began throwing up. My midwives and Beka went downstairs to give me some space and coming up with plans. Nick and Carlee were with me in our bedroom trying to get me through things.

The thought was that baby was in a funky position. That’s often the cause of this sort of labor pattern and little cervical change. We tried to do side lying to turn her but it was SO intense and I could not handle it. Even though it was early and this normally wouldn’t be the time, Carlee advocated for me to get into the birth pool to try to really relax my body. Normally this wouldn’t be advised if you’re only 2 cm because it can slow things down, but that’s exactly what we were trying to do so the midwives agreed and they and Nick began filling up the pool.

I labored in the pool for a bit with just Nick, Carlee, and Beka. I was able to relax much easier in between contractions but things were still so close together and so intense, and I started getting hot and tired. Around 3am I decided to get out of the pool and get another cervical check and make a decision about what I wanted to do next. At that point I was 2, mayyyybe 3cm. I wanted someone, anyone, to tell me what to do next. I didn’t want to be the one to make this call, but it was my decision, and mine alone, to make. I ultimately decided to transfer to the hospital to get an epidural and some therapeutic rest. We left the house around 4:15/4:30am.

The hospital I chose to transfer to was about 10 minutes from our house but that was the longest 10 minutes of my entire life. Things were so incredibly intense and at that point all of the coping skills I had left flew out the window. I was LOUDLY vocalizing through each one, trying my absolute hardest to keep my tones low. At this point, my contractions were double peaking, which is another sign of a malpositioned baby. We got into triage and it was the worst. So many questions, I had to get another check even though I had just gotten one, and at this point I was just so ready for relief.

I truly do not remember being in this room for that long or hardly even at all really. I remember hanging on to Carlee or Nick with each contraction, whoever was closest to me when it came on. Some of them I could no longer stand through and they just completely brought me to my knees. A funny moment I’ll never forget though… at one point I had to go to the bathroom which was across the hall and you had to pass the desk to get there. As I was coming out of the bathroom I had a BIG contraction. I stopped in my tracks and needed to find a point in the room to focus on. Well, that just so happened to be a pregnant person standing at the desk. I’m unsure if she was in labor or not but she definitely wasn’t where I was. I locked eyes with her and let out a huge low moan as the contraction overtook my body. I can’t help but think that I probably really freaked her out in that moment… hahaha!

At 6:50am Carlee texted Beka that I finally got settled with the epidural and she was going to do some side lying releases with me. Muuuuch easier for me to handle with the epidural on board. At 7:20am I sent Carlee home to rest while Nick and I did as well.

At 11:30am the hospital midwife came in and asked if she could check me. I consented but I was so so nervous. I thought for sure I was going to be at 3cm. I could see the cascade of interventions in my mind. I could see myself being wheeled into the OR. But to my surprise, and relief, I was 7cm, 90% effaced, with a bulging bag. I declined to have them rupture the membranes and I texted Carlee and Beka to update them and let them know to head over to the hospital. My VBAC finally felt close and attainable. My body was doing this.

2 hours after my check the nurse came in to see if my chucks pad needed to be changed (I had been having a lot of bloody show). When she pulled back my blankets we saw that my water had broken on it’s own! I was verryyyy numb from the epidural still so I hadn’t even noticed. At this point I asked for them to turn my epidural down so that I could feel more when it was time to push. The nurse noted that there was meconium in the water and so they would have another doctor in the room for Sadie, just in case. I have seen many births where meconium was present and rarely saw complications from it so I brushed it off and didn’t give it a second thought.

They asked if it was okay if they checked me again since my water broke and I agreed. I was still the same as I had been two hours before, but now that the bag was broken, the midwife could really feel the fontanelles in her head and she told us that she was a bit transverse, and asynclitic - meaning that her head was sideways and tilted a little bit. This would explain why my labor pattern was the way that it was. My body was really trying to turn her. At this point, my contractions had spaced out to 6-7 minutes apart. The midwife told me that they would check again in a few hours but if I still hadn’t made change, they would want to discuss using pitocin.

Now that we knew what position she was in, we could be more intentional with positioning me. I had been in throne position for a bit so we decided to do side lying release and exaggerated side lying on each side. I laid on my left side for about an hour while I took another nap. My contractions were still spaced out when we decided to turn me on my right side. But almost immediately after switching sides, I felt a slight shift in pressure (I was still so numb). A few minutes later my contractions started to get closer together, and before I knew it, they were back to 3 minutes apart. Since I still couldn’t feel much, I asked for them to turned down my epidural even further.

At 5:45pm the midwife came in and asked if she could check me again. I said yes and braced myself for disappointment. When she said the words “You’re complete, I don’t feel any more cervix!”… holy crap. I was actually going to do this. I was going to PUSH a baby out!! Not only that, but Sadie was already at +1 station! My body was doing this and I was so ready. The midwife also said that I had what’s called a ‘forebag’ (basically another pocket of amniotic fluid), I told her she could just break it and when she did, it POPPED. It literally sounded like a water balloon and it exploded all over the midwife. It was so cool to see and experience. But there was a lot of meconium this time. Still, I didn’t really pay much mind to it.

Moments after my check, my mom arrived with the chick-fil-a that we sent her out for. I told the midwife I wanted to labor down for juuust a little bit longer so everyone could eat… lol. She said that since everyone was doing good on the monitors she was fine with that. I also asked a third time for my epidural to be turned down again, and now it was at the lowest level they could have it without turning it off completely. Everyone scarfed down dinner and I tried to center myself and prepare for the hard work I knew was coming. I began feeling more pressure with each contraction but still nothing crazy. And my left leg was still COMPLETELY numb.

I began pushing around 6:45pm. I asked for a mirror right away and watched myself push the entire time. Not only was it so incredible and exhilarating to watch, having the mirror helped me understand what was happening even though I was still really numb. I started on my back to connect to my muscles and get an idea of what techniques were effective, but pelvic floor therapy really must have helped because with the first push you could already start to see her come down. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and someone came in. It was my good friend Natalie! She is an IBCLC that works at the hospital we were at and I told her she should stop by my room after her shift. I was so excited to see her and told her to come in and join the party. At this point, I switched to side lying and continued to push. As she came down, I reached down and touched her head with every push. It was so incredibly surreal to me. I was actually pushing a baby out of my body right now!!

Since I was so numb still, I had mentally prepared myself that I was going to push for 2-3 hours. But just about 45 minutes after we started, at 7:24 pm on Wednesday, our sweet Sadie was born. Nick, who was such a strong, gentle, and incredibly intuitive partner through all of this, was the one to catch our girl and place her on my chest.

THAT moment… I can’t even begin to describe that moment. A huge rush of emotion came over me. All of the work I had put in, not only during labor but in preparation for birth, was all worth it. It all came to fruition right here, with this slimy baby on my chest. The love I felt… the relief… the support… the highest high I’ve ever experienced. I want to live in THAT moment forever.

Then it was clear to me that something wasn’t right. She wasn’t letting out a big cry even with lots of stimulation and bulb suctioning, and she didn’t have great tone or color. We did delayed cord clamping as long as possible (or what I like to call optimal cord clamping) before they had to take her to the warmer to work on her. I birthed my placenta without any complications and got stitched for a second degree tear, all while I watched across the room as they worked to get Sadie breathing well on her own. However, it was soon determined that she had to be taken to the NICU, as she had likely inhaled meconium. They swaddled her and brought her over to say goodbye to me. I had to stay and be monitored for the first two hours postpartum, and Nick followed Sadie to the NICU down the hall. My adrenaline was pumping and it was causing me to shake uncontrollably. This isn’t uncommon in the immediate postpartum, but I think having her taken made it worse. Natalie and Carlee laid over my body and hugged me tight, helping to calm my nervous system. I facetimed with Nick and got to see that she was 7lb 13oz and 20 inches long.

About 2 1/2 hours later I was finally reunited with Nick and Sadie. She was hooked up to a lot of things, including high flow oxygen, and the doctor told us that based on the x-ray they did, she had definitely inhaled meconium. Holding her for the first time in the NICU was so emotional, and when looking back at my birth photos, the emotion came rushing back to me. It’s all I had been wanting for the past two and a half hours. My heart was aching for this moment. I wanted to breastfeed her so badly but because of the high flow o2, she was unable to latch and she had a little feeding tube placed. Carlee helped me express colostrum into a spoon that we rubbed on the inside of her cheeks/mouth with a cotton swab.

I was soooo exhausted, and had a headache, so Nick stayed the night in the NICU and I went back to the postpartum floor to get some rest for a couple hours before her next feed. Thus began the cycle of going back and forth from the NICU every 3 hours, pumping and collecting the colostrum that I could, and supplementing with donor milk when there wasn’t quite enough. They didn’t have the correct size flange for me so I wasn’t pulling very much, even when my milk did start to come in.

Sadie continued to get stronger and stronger and was able to go to low flow oxygen Thursday afternoon and I was finally able to latch her. I was so emotional at that first latch, I had been so excited to breastfeed throughout my whole pregnancy. Sadie was doing great. But this is where things started to turn for me.

The headache that I noticed the night before was still there. But I would only really notice it when I was up going back and forth to the NICU. No matter how much I slept and how much I was hydrating, it just would not go away. Then, Thursday night, I decided to mention it to the nurse when she met me in the NICU to give me my tylenol/ibuprofen. But as I was explaining it to her, it all of a sudden clicked. I had a spinal headache. She agreed that that’s what it sounded like and told me she would notify anesthesia. They came and talked to me later that night and confirmed that was most likely what I was experiencing.

For those that don’t know, a spinal headache (also known as a post dural puncture headache) is a rare complication that is caused by the dura being punctured when your epidural is placed. This causes a small hole in which your cerebral spinal fluid leaks out and it causes an insane headache that only goes away when you’re laying down, but comes back again as soon as you’re upright. This occurs in less than 1% of epidural placements. Your options for treatment for this issue is to either wait for the hole to seal itself, which usually takes a couple weeks, or to have a procedure done called a blood patch. Laying down for two weeks straight wasn’t realistic for me, and it was getting so bad that I would throw up if I was upright for more than a few minutes, so I opted for the blood patch. This procedure involves having another epidural placed into the same spot that the original puncture occurred, but instead of medication, they put your own blood into the hole and it clots, effectively sealing the hole and stopping the fluid leak. If it works, the relief is immediate.

On Friday evening, they finally ‘get around’ to doing my procedure. It. Was. Awful. I have scoliosis, which I had always been told was very minor but apparently it’s a little worse than I thought, and the anesthesiologist, Dave, was having a hard time getting it in the right spot. He ended up having to replace the epidural THREE times. After the second time I told him I just couldn’t do it anymore, and if he couldn’t get it the next time, I needed to be done and I would just suffer through it for the next couple of weeks. When he finally did get it on the third try, he put my blood into the space, and immediately my headache went away. I sobbed and thanked him. I would finally be able to hold and feed my baby without throwing up. Dave cried, the nurses cried, it was an emotional moment for everyone. He told me that my scoliosis likely contributed to the issue with the original epidural, but that wasn’t for sure. Sometimes these things just happen. It’s interesting to think back on because I knew that this was a risk with an epidural (just like I knew the risks with meconium in the waters) but I never thought it would happen to me. I don’t regret the epidural, I consider it to have been a necessary tool in helping me achieve my VBAC, but it just sucks that this happened along with it.

On Saturday they discharged both me and Sadie and we all got to go home together. It was such a surreal feeling to be home with this brand new baby, AND have a 2 year old. I felt terrified and overwhelmed and SO in love and complete. Because we had Finn home, I wanted to do all the things. I didn’t rest as much as my midwives had advised me to and I definitely over did it those first two days. On Sunday evening, I noticed the headache starting to return, but again, brushed it off as exhaustion. But Monday morning came around and as I got out of bed, all of that awful pressure in my head came back. We had Sadie’s first pediatrician appointment that day and I could barely keep my eyes open because my head hurt so bad. The nausea came rushing back as well. We called the hospital’s nurse line and they told me to come back in.

Once we got there, I was evaluated by the midwives and anesthesiologists and they confirmed that they believed my blood patch had become dislodged. A super rare thing that happens from this original rare complication. I was terrified to get another blood patch, but I knew that the pain would be gone immediately if I did it. So I pushed through the fear and decided to move forward with another procedure. Luckily, Dave had left detailed notes about where the hole was located and this anesthesiologist was able to get it in the first try. I felt such a rush of relief when she told me she got it, both emotionally and physically. We were discharged that day and sent home to continue our postpartum journey.

The next week was hard. I had 5 epidurals placed in less than a week, my back was sooo sore, I had a massive hemorrhoid, and I was quite literally peeing my pants. Postpartum is everything but glamorous. I took it easy this time. I stayed in bed for the whole week, only getting up to go to the bathroom. Nick was an amazing support and took care of everything so that I could focus solely on healing myself and breastfeeding Sadie. We set up a meal train and were fed every day by our loving family and friends.

There you have it, my VBAC birth story. I feel a lot of things about this birth. I experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in such a short amount of time. I feel so incredibly proud of myself for achieving my VBAC. I feel incredible sadness that I was robbed of the golden hour. I feel relief knowing that we were at the hospital when she was born and not breathing well. I feel angry and sad that I wasn’t able to have a homebirth. I feel so grateful that I was able to experience the love and support from Nick, Carlee, Beka, Sam, Melissa, and Natalie. I feel upset that I experienced a rare complication. I feel joyful and proud that our breastfeeding journey is going well. There are so. many. emotions. And I’m learning to let them all exist at once. I’m learning to let them move through my body as they come up, to feel them and then let them pass.

I’m not quite sure how to end this, so I’ll leave you with my favorite quote about birth. This is from a film called These Are My Hours (if you haven’t seen it, I highly highly recommend it).

“So there you are in front of the coals. And they’re burning. And it’s your turn to walk across them. You’re the only one who’s walking. You’re the only one who’s gonna get burned. But you can see the footprints of all the mothers who have come before you, so you know that this isn’t your journey alone.”